The Worst Job on Earth

You think your job is tough? There’s always someone else a little worse off than you no matter how tough your job gets……like this guy. He sent this note to his sister after a pretty bad day at the “office.”

“Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
 Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. 
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. 
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. 
Within a few seconds my rear started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. 
In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, my butt crack was not as fortunate.

 When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my crack. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
 His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
 Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, (with tears of laughter running down his face) handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your rear.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ “

Biker Bars & Old Golfers

Let’s take a break from “serious” and snicker today!

I ride Harleys. In fact I have piled up the miles. From my earring from Montreal to riding Pacific Coast Hwy from San Francisco to Santa Barbara, I have ridden all over North America. I play golf, too. And I’m an “old golfer.” Today, let’s laugh together at two funnies: a Blind Cowboy in a Blonde Biker Bar and an Old Golfer.

Enjoy!

Blind Cowboy in an All-Girl Biker Bar

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously, cowboy…Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No…not if I’m going to have to explain it five times…”

 

The Old Golfer

An older golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.

“Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.  Again, the golfer replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron  club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked. The golfer replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!” The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding.  You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

Safe at Last

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas to wear when I shop or travel.
Everyone moves out of the way, and security can’t pat me down.
If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today.

(Editor) Ridiculous, I know. But even as ridiculous as it seems, isn’t it pretty much appropriate in today’s politically correct World?

Top 10 Things a Man will Not say to His Wife

With all of the concentration in the U.S. around Washington D.C., we need a break. How about a chuckle or two? When we tell funny stories it’s always appropriate to laugh at real things. Here are some of those “real things.” Here are 10 that everyone at onetime or another in their adult life has made their being on this list applicable to you — men and women.

Enjoy!

  1. agree totally. Her breasts are entirely too large.
  2. I’m fixing me some ice cream and pie. Can I get you some?
  3. Let’s invite your Mom and her sister to go with us on vacation this summer.
  4. I’m almost through washing the dishes. Then all I have left is two loads of clothes to wash.
  5. I’m tired of flipping channels. Here, you work the remote for a while.
  6. I was planning to watch the PGA Championship. But I’d rather watch a Hallmark Channel movie rerun with you today.
  7. Look, Baby; I rented us two really good movies: Ghost and Steel Magnolias.
  8. I miss your mother. Is it OK with you if she moves in to live with us?
  9. I was going to play golf Saturday. I dunno: I’d rather make the rounds of garage sales with you than golf with my buddies.
  10. Gee, Honey; we don’t talk enough.

Democrat, Republican, or Southerner: Which are You?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.  The correct answer is the one that best fits what your response would be.  The test:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.  Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife walks around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises his knife, and charges you.  You are carrying a Kimber 1911 .45 caliber ACP, and you are an expert shot.  You have just seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer

  • That’s not enough information to answer the question!
  • What is a Kimber 1911 .45 caliber ACP?
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Is he really a terrorist?  Am I guilty of profiling?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does that send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he’d be happy with killing just me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to just wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
  • Should I call 911?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day.
  • Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
  • I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
  • This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer

BANG!!!

Southerner’s Answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CLICK!  (sounds of reloading…)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CLICK!

Daughter: “Nice grouping, Dad!  Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?”

Son: “Can I shoot the next one?”

Wife: “You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist!”

(Thanks to Keith Winsell)

Funny of the Week

An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Funny of the Week

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Funny of the Week

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears.

Genie: “Well, alright. Two customers. I don’t know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you both 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you’re bigger.”

Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: “Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to be females.”

Genie grants the wish, turns to squirrel. Squirrel thinks. He looks up to the genie: “I want a motorcycle.”

Bear shakes his head: “Squirrel, you don’t know how to wish.”

Genie then asked the bear for his second wish.

Bear responds: “All right, I want all the other bears in the COUNTRY to be females.” Genie grants the wish.

Genie turns to squirrel: “How about it?” Squirrel responds: “Gimme a motorcycle helmet.”

Bear shakes his head again. “What’s wrong with you?” Genie then turns once more to bear and asked for final wish. “You know what? I want all the other bears in the WORLD to be female.”

Genie grants the wish, then turns to squirrel.

Squirrel grabs his helmet, puts it on. He then walks to the motorcycle, gets on it. He starts it, runs the engine a little.

As he rides away, not looking back, he yells: “I WANT THE BEAR TO BE GAY!”
Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/211/A-Bear-Is-Chasing-A-Squirrel-In-The-Woods-#m3RlkD0soOQ8cigC.99

Funny of the Week

A sign In Vice President Pence’s home town in Indiana in the front window of a business:

“WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA, HILLARY CLINTON, NANCY PELOSI, HARRY REID, ALL THE ELITES OF CONGRESS, THE MASS MEDIA, AND ALL OF HOLLYWOOD THAN WITH ONE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN!!!”

This sign probably either outrages, saddens or elates you, depending on your political persuasion. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty; and after all … it is just a sign.

The business that posted the sign?

Owen’s Funeral Home

Funny of the Week

Funny #1

I was sitting at Starbucks one day a month ago and two really large women came in, speaking with an interesting accent.   So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s all I remembered when I woke up at the hospital yesterday.

Funny #2

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
 Funny #3
A west Texas redneck got a full scholarship to Texas A&M.  His first week there he went to an honors Physics class.  That day the class was discussing the properties of light.  The professor turned off the light in the room, took a flashlight out of his pocket, turned it on, and shined the light beam at the ceiling.  He asked the class, “What would happen if you climbed to the top of this light beam?”  The redneck raised his hand to answer.  His answer to the professor’s question was classic:  “Professor, we’re not stupid.  As soon as one of us climbed to the top of that light beam, you’d turn the flashlight off!”